he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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