I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
