I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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