i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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