he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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