Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
