im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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