we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
