Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
