apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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