mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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