God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
