It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
