I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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