I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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