Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i think my mom watched the whole time
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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