Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
