How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
What did we do last night that was yellow?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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