Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
