Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
