I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
