Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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