we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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