She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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