you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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