It's like God shit irony all over that family
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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