if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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