Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
