I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I currently don't understand fingers.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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