i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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