Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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