you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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