I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
