Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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