mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
