i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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