Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
