I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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