Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
