We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
