you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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