Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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