2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
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So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
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