Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
