Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
