It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
