No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
