I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
