Walk of Shame. In a state park.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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