I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
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At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
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Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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