It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
