Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
