i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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